My previous blog offered an outline of the terrain through which you might find a therapist: the websites, the procedures, the protocols (such as they are).
In part two, I look at two of the factors which might be relevant to your pursuit of the right person. Or not. But whether they matter to you or not is, of itself, relevant: it gives a bit of an insight into what you may be bringing to your therapy experience. So, below, I outline the possible responses you may have to the location and gender of your potential therapist, and how these may affect your search.
So. We’ve examined the terrain. Now here are two of the signposts on your royal road to therapy:
1)Location Location Location
(a) Someone Near
Maybe you have a busy work and family life, and the most important thing for you is finding someone who you can “pop out” to see for an hour and nobody will know you’ve gone. It’s easy: you live in Crouch End, you want a therapist in Crouch End (I say this purely as an example).
This is where the search engines on www.psychologytoday.com and www.BACP.co.uk and others (see previous blog) become your friends. Or just Google “therapist crouch end” or “counsellor crouch end” and you’re away.
On the other hand….
Are you looking for someone local so that therapy doesn't feel like too much of a big deal; you don’t want too much travel time afterwards for any thoughts of feelings to fester? Might part of your motivation be to ‘box it off’: you’ll think about therapy for 50 minutes a week and at no other time? If so, that’s probably something to think about and wonder whether it could change or limit your experience.
(b) Someone Far
Maybe you want to see someone who is nowhere near where you live and work, so that the small chance you might ever see them in Sainsbury’s is reduced to near-zero.
Fine. Pick an area which might be workable for you, or widen your search criteria on your counselling search website to, say 10 miles. Or just look more generally and let the person dictate the location. If you don’t mind driving or getting on a train then you can cast a pretty wide net. Many clients cross big cities to see their therapist. (Although in these Covid times, you may want to factor in what happens if we go back into lockdown.)
On the other hand…
Are you wanting someone further afield for an additional reason? Is there some embarrassment that someone you know might know you’re seeing a therapist? Does distance provide safety? Is that true in other contexts in your life? None of these are problems, but they’re worth wondering about.
(c) Not Important At All
Maybe you don’t care either way. You want a particular kind of person and will go wherever it takes, near or far. Fine. In which case you probably want to search for someone with experience in your particular issue and go from there.
On the other hand…
Will it really make no difference if the person is 10 minutes away or 2 hours? What if there’s a train strike or you move house? If location isn’t a deal-breaker, what is?
Any of these thoughts are perfectly reasonable and very common. Each suggests something about your need: perhaps you want therapy to feel like a special event and so don’t mind travelling, or perhaps you want it to feel like popping to the Post Office with no particular anxiety around it. What is it in your case? Neither are problems; both are worth noticing about how you want to approach therapy.
2) The Gender Agenda
(a) Important
Many people will have an instinct that they want to talk to someone of a particular gender, whether their own or the opposite. Victims of sexual abuse might think they don’t want to discuss it with someone of the gender who abused them. Or people with issues with a parent don’t want to talk to someone of the same gender as that parent. Both are understandable and quite common.
On the other hand….
Let’s imagine you’ve been mistreated by men in various ways throughout your life. That might be a good reason not to talk to a man about it, as you fear talking to a man might re-trigger those horrible experiences. That’s completely reasonable. But it also might be a very good reason to see a male therapist, as therapy can be an ideal place to explore such difficult feelings (maybe even including towards the male therapist himself). Therapy is often not about the past, it’s about what’s happening in the present. Within the safety of therapy it can be an ideal place to let that trauma be evoked, if it is, and worked on in safety and at your own pace.
(b) Unimportant
If you don’t have a particular preference, then that’s fine; go with someone you get a good vibe from.
On the other hand…
But it’s also worth asking yourself: would it really be no different talking to a woman or a man about your most private or intimate difficulties? If so then great. But many people know that they feel more comfortable discussing some subjects with some genders more than others. It’s worth being curious about that.
Neither decision is remotely wrong, unreasonable or unusual. Both are worth wondering about.
Next time:
How to Find a Therapist Part 3 - Cost and Commitment.