So far in this four-part blog we have gone through the practicalities of finding a therapist or counsellor (the websites; how to get in touch; shopping around) and some of the factors to consider which may be more nuanced than they first appear (such as the location and gender of the therapist).
In Part Three, we get to some nitty gritty: the bits of the relationship that can be the most uncomfortable but also the most important, namely what you give the therapist in return for his or her time and support: money and commitment.
3) Cost
Cost is unfortunately a factor for most of us, not least as we usually don’t know how long we’ll be in therapy and therefore how much money we need to set aside for it. Where does this factor fall for you?
a) Very Important
If cost is a factor here are some things to think on:
Finding The Slot: Many therapists will have different rates for different times of the day. Evening sessions (particularly the golden hours after work) will be hard to get reductions on than, say, 11am on a Monday. If your work pattern allows an off-peak slot then maybe that’s an option, or perhaps you can find a therapist near enough to work for you to take a long lunch break to go and see them.
Prioritising: Your New “You Thing”: What else do you spend money on for yourself? Do you go out for a night with friends every week? How often do you buy a new outfit? Maybe therapy can become the new You Thing. Maybe it can be as valuable for you as seeing a show or buying a suit or going to dinner. You decide “Previously I did that for myself. Now I’m doing this.”
Asking about Discounts: Many therapists, aware of the costs involved in people coming to therapy, offer some spaces at a reduced rate for people with difficult financial circumstances (particularly students or the unwaged). Ask. If they say no, then at least you asked. These slots will often be in non-peak times (i.e. not evenings) but maybe that’s doable for you. None of us will feel offended to be asked.
Low Cost Services: There are various low-cost therapeutic services to be found, which charge hugely reduced costs. See if there’s a Mind charity near you. Also some particular issues have associated charities which offer low/no cost services. I recommend looking at this website which has a very good list of possible aveunes you might explore:
https://freepsychotherapynetwork.com/organisations-offering-low-cost-psychotherapy/
b) Kind of Important
Even if you’re able to commit money to therapy, or adjust your outgoings to allow you to, you don’t want to waste your money. Like shoes or shows or chocolate, useful therapy is worth every penny; useless therapy isn’t worth a bean.
Many areas (nationally or locally) tend to have a trend in rates. Big cities or central locations will often have people charging upwards of £80; in other areas £50 might be a more typical rate. And if you get someone at an earlier stage in their career they may be offering more low-cost places than that.
In North London, where I work, typical prices per session are typically somewhere in the £60-80 range.
c) Unimportant
If the cost isn’t a concern then that frees you up to pick the person you want. Notice, though, that cost is not always an arbiter of quality or experience, but often as much a reflection on the particular therapist’s location or circumstances. Find someone you think is right for you. If you end up with a choice of two who you like equally, then go with your instinct not the price tag.
….A coda on cash……
It’s worth noticing what your relationship with paying fees to a therapist brings up for you.
Does it only feel worth it if you’re paying serious money? Do you begrudge it but would never dream of mentioning it? Does it feel like a block to really connecting with your therapist, as it makes him just an employee? Does it free you up to be as honest and rude and upset and angry as you like because, after all, that is what you’re paying for?
All of these are perfectly reasonable reactions to paying a stranger money to talk about your difficulties at length and depth. But it’s worth wondering which apply to you. And why.
4) Commitment
Committing to therapy can be the easiest or hardest aspect of the entire experience. You are agreeing to come (usually) every week at the same time for a period or maybe a very extended period to talk about stuff and feel things which you’ve tried to avoid forever.
Surely, some people think, it’s better just to go when you need it? Here’s why that is not as helpful an idea as it may sound.
a) Therapy is a process, not a solution
Although eureka moments can happen in therapy sometimes, the real value is usually cumulative. It’s the building of a relationship, the testing of the boundaries (of the work and oneself), the daunting but crucial business of walking into a dense jungle of emotions with a (hopefully, potentially) trusted safari guide. That kind of work and progress can only usefully happen if it’s consistent. You can cry or rant, be reasonable or objectionable, be fascinating or boring, and you know he or she will be there at the same time next week.
b) The therapist is committing to you, you’re committing to them.
Once you have agreed to work with a therapist they are making a commitment to you: “Every Tuesday at 2pm, for 50 minutes, my entire attention will be on you. Nobody else will ever sit in that chair at that time until our work together has concluded.” That’s both a practical necessity (as discussed above) and an oath of commitment. How you use that is up to you.
That 50 minutes is only yours. If s/he’s made that commitment to you, it’s good to make that commitment to them. Then you can make a commitment to making things better for you. Together.
c) Feel the sting: that’s where the value is.
Any commitment (whether to a partner, a job or a therapist) has its downsides. Sometimes you can’t be bothered. Sometimes you wish you could be anywhere else. Sometimes you need it much more than you’d like. All of those experiences – however lovely or difficult – tell you something about who you are: what you can tolerate, when you become overwhelmed, what makes you bored or frustrated, where your tipping point is.
It’s the difficulty that brings the value. But mention the sting to your therapist when it arises. It’s not irrelevant to the work. It is the work.