Y
Yes, You
“Yes”
With defences, habits, instincts and anxieties so often so prominent in our thinking, we can often find ourselves slaves to the word ‘No’.
No I won’t say what I need because I’m afraid I won’t get it.
No I won’t cry because I’m afraid I’ll be humiliated.
No I won’t get angry because the other person won’t be able to deal with it.
No I won’t change because change must be worse.
One of the benefits of therapy is working on these sorts of assumptions, presumptions and fears. This often entails a therapist helping someone to realise that by saying “No” they are precipitating the exact responses that they most fear. So it becomes….
I don’t say what I need and therefore I definitely won’t get it.
I don’t cry and therefore I feel humiliation within myself for feeling so vulnerable.
I don’t get angry and so the other person won’t have a chance to deal with it if one day I lose control.
I don’t change and therefore improvements become harder to imagine.
In therapy, preferably with a therapist with whom you can gently and maybe playfully practice different approaches, those toxic ‘Nos’ can sometimes become relieving ‘Yeses’.
Yes I can say what I need, which makes it more likely that I’ll get it.
Yes I can cry, which will show how I feel, release my feelings and allow myself to be supported.
Yes I can get angry, as if the other person really matters they’ll be able to deal with it.
Yes I can change, but first I have to want to.
There are few more empowering words in the language than Yes. Use it.
You
A therapy room can get incredibly crowded.
There’s your family, your partner, your friends and your colleagues of course. But sometimes your past therapists make an appearance, or your exes, or the younger versions of you. They can all be helpful. At times.
But then there are the impulses which demand our attention too: your protection of your parents from my judgments, even though I will never meet them and I’m not judging them anyway. Or your devotion to being as accurate as possible to what the other people intended (which we don’t know) rather than your own experience. There may sometimes be your concern about embarrassing, shocking or upsetting me (to whom you’re paying money to be able to deal with it).
All of those people, anxieties and approaches have something to contribute. But they are supporting players. The star of the show is you. The only person whose perspective matters is you. The only feelings, judgments, intentions or confusions that will help us are yours.
Therapy is for you and only you. Every minute you spend which is not focussed on you is a minute in which we’re not helping you.
The only one who matters is you. Use that.
Next Week: Z (The Final Instalment)
Zebra Thinking, Zoom